Selena Rezvani
, Contributor
Comment Now
Follow Comments
Have you ever avoided sharing good news—let’s say a big accomplishment—with a colleague or friend for fear of turning them off?
Just the other day I asked this question of a room of 150 ambitious, 20-something women. When polled to ask if attendees could relate, nearly every audience member raised her hand.
Taking ownership for your accomplishment—by telling another—is only one element of internalizing a success. So many of us pine for that exciting career goal and then squirm uncomfortably once we get close or actually attain it. We may question our ability to “hack it,” disappear into modesty or prefer to demonstrate charitable behavior rather than snatching the limelight. Still others may feel that success and likeability are flat-out incompatible.
All of us define success differently, but one universal hallmark of
succeeding is reaching a new level of self-agency or ability. Even so, a study
conducted by Girl Scouts of America showed that only a small minority
of girls surveyed (14%) aspire to build their personal power, preferring
instead to make an impact in “outer” ways: helping other people (67%),
sharing their knowledge and skills with others (53%), and changing the
world for the better (45%). Power is a good force, it’s believed, when
tapped for non-“me” purposes.
Beyond early conditioning, what else explains some women’s ambivalence to leaning in to their hopes and goals? I asked clinical psychologist Joanna Foote Adler, PsyD, CHT, who explained, “Sometimes, a woman will put her connection to her family or her cultural values above her own personal success. This can present when a very competent woman restrains herself from moving forward in her career because she believes it is climbing above the perceived station of the family or leaving others behind.” If victory and triumph are associated with threatening—or worse, decimating—our relationships, no wonder it’s easy to stop reaching high.
Whether you were taught to swagger or be modest, you can redefine how you see success. Major General Mary Saunders, who directs the Leadership Institute at Texas Woman’s University, advises, “As ridiculous as it might feel, get an accountability partner who will work with you and hold you to task.” By engaging other people in your goals, Saunders explains, you’re much less likely to shrink away from even the most audacious vision you may have for yourself.
Along with enrolling others in your vision, ask yourself how much you’ve really nurtured your conviction. Have you stoked the fires about starting that business, applying for that role or raising your hand for the international opportunity? Day dream, fantasize, and feed…that…drive, knowing that you have the kind of “killer instinct” needed to actualize your goal. If you don’t buy in to your own vision of success, how can anyone else?
As you navigate the process of going after goals, consider how assertive or conservative you’ve been in your approach. Emilie Cortes, who left a job as an investment consultant—managing over $7 billion in assets—now serves as the president of Call of the Wild Adventures, Inc., an adventure travel company for women. Reflecting on her dual experiences mountaineering and in corporate America, Cortes explained that while small, gradual progressions worked for her in climbing some of the world’s highest peaks, in the corporate world, it’s the opposite. Suggests Cortes, “Take bigger risks and don’t worry about the smaller, incremental ones. Is the company really going to rally against you or fire you if you go for it? No. Focus on what the reward is.”
As you set new personal records, think about seeing your skills and abilities as flexible and easy to grow. As Stanford professor Carol Dweck has made plain, a learning mindset is far more advantageous than a fixed one. With a fixed mindset, you either have competence and potential or you don’t—if you don’t perform near flawlessly for example, you are a failure. With a learning mindset however, intelligence is seen as a changeable, fluid characteristic that can be developed with effort. A learning mindset leads to greater persistence when faced with adversity and most important, greater resilience.
How can you shift your mindset to round up, not down, in terms of what you can do? Said Cortes, “Take bigger leaps. No president of a company was born the president of the company… They got there because most likely they took that first, uncomfortable step forward.”
Selena Rezvani is a women’s leadership speaker, workplace consultant, and author of Pushback: How Smart Women Ask–and Stand Up–for What They Want. Connect with her at nextgenwomen.com and @SelenaRezvani on Twitter TWTR -4.59%.
Just the other day I asked this question of a room of 150 ambitious, 20-something women. When polled to ask if attendees could relate, nearly every audience member raised her hand.
Taking ownership for your accomplishment—by telling another—is only one element of internalizing a success. So many of us pine for that exciting career goal and then squirm uncomfortably once we get close or actually attain it. We may question our ability to “hack it,” disappear into modesty or prefer to demonstrate charitable behavior rather than snatching the limelight. Still others may feel that success and likeability are flat-out incompatible.
English: The summit of the Matterhorn (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Beyond early conditioning, what else explains some women’s ambivalence to leaning in to their hopes and goals? I asked clinical psychologist Joanna Foote Adler, PsyD, CHT, who explained, “Sometimes, a woman will put her connection to her family or her cultural values above her own personal success. This can present when a very competent woman restrains herself from moving forward in her career because she believes it is climbing above the perceived station of the family or leaving others behind.” If victory and triumph are associated with threatening—or worse, decimating—our relationships, no wonder it’s easy to stop reaching high.
Whether you were taught to swagger or be modest, you can redefine how you see success. Major General Mary Saunders, who directs the Leadership Institute at Texas Woman’s University, advises, “As ridiculous as it might feel, get an accountability partner who will work with you and hold you to task.” By engaging other people in your goals, Saunders explains, you’re much less likely to shrink away from even the most audacious vision you may have for yourself.
Along with enrolling others in your vision, ask yourself how much you’ve really nurtured your conviction. Have you stoked the fires about starting that business, applying for that role or raising your hand for the international opportunity? Day dream, fantasize, and feed…that…drive, knowing that you have the kind of “killer instinct” needed to actualize your goal. If you don’t buy in to your own vision of success, how can anyone else?
As you navigate the process of going after goals, consider how assertive or conservative you’ve been in your approach. Emilie Cortes, who left a job as an investment consultant—managing over $7 billion in assets—now serves as the president of Call of the Wild Adventures, Inc., an adventure travel company for women. Reflecting on her dual experiences mountaineering and in corporate America, Cortes explained that while small, gradual progressions worked for her in climbing some of the world’s highest peaks, in the corporate world, it’s the opposite. Suggests Cortes, “Take bigger risks and don’t worry about the smaller, incremental ones. Is the company really going to rally against you or fire you if you go for it? No. Focus on what the reward is.”
As you set new personal records, think about seeing your skills and abilities as flexible and easy to grow. As Stanford professor Carol Dweck has made plain, a learning mindset is far more advantageous than a fixed one. With a fixed mindset, you either have competence and potential or you don’t—if you don’t perform near flawlessly for example, you are a failure. With a learning mindset however, intelligence is seen as a changeable, fluid characteristic that can be developed with effort. A learning mindset leads to greater persistence when faced with adversity and most important, greater resilience.
How can you shift your mindset to round up, not down, in terms of what you can do? Said Cortes, “Take bigger leaps. No president of a company was born the president of the company… They got there because most likely they took that first, uncomfortable step forward.”
Selena Rezvani is a women’s leadership speaker, workplace consultant, and author of Pushback: How Smart Women Ask–and Stand Up–for What They Want. Connect with her at nextgenwomen.com and @SelenaRezvani on Twitter TWTR -4.59%.
